The Fear That Makes Me Want to Puke

I know you
Oh God
I hate this.
Fear shakes me
Sweat flares
the pores of
my skin
Dull pain
in my stomach
Hands shaking
My body overcome by
paralysis
weakness
My mind trapped
in this
frightening cage,
flies, looking for escape,
relief.

I know
what is
coming.
The shame, despair
of my reaction engulfs me.
Why can’t I deal with this?

You cut me
I shatter into
a thousand pieces
Shock lays over
this tortured
being
The doubt of
a million moments
rains down on me
A blanket of despair
covers me
The barely me
is functioning
barely.
No energy
for anything
Sleep is all
I can do.

In the morning
the remembering
throws me back
to Despair. Anxiety.
I remember also
the words of
many moments
that brought me
to this place.
An image here
A memory there

Then
Lightening

My mind begins
functioning
again.

Memory of
my perspectives
other perspectives
resurface.

Your narrative
is more you
than me.
I know you
I knew this
I remember
once again.

When will it
happen
that the voice
of your judging ways
Ceases to be
Inside of me?

It is easier
this time.
I remember more
quickly.
My flex strength
growing.
This is healing.
But it is
also
practicing,
creating new memory,
building resilience.
A shifting
me.

Advertisements
This entry was posted in Poetry and tagged , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s