Yesterday I posted the day’s journal writing on my blog. Last night my husband said he hoped my boss never reads it. That triggered anxious thoughts in me. Should I change “demeaning” to “condescending” or “patriarchal” to “paternalistic”? Should I not share it with a former co-worker until after I leave my job? Would it go viral at work? What would be the repercussions? Would I hurt people? Would I break their trust?
These are the very questions that keep me silent a lot of the time. They cause me to backstep. Rein in my feelings. Don’t tell a former co-worker. Don’t show anyone. Keep this separate from the office. What am I afraid of? Saying something controversial and having people come down on me? Being sued? Being blackballed? So what? What is the worst that could happen? What IS the worst?
This is my mind spinning. Moderating. Pushing toward conforming. And silence. Ultimately, when I checked in with myself, my boss’s emails felt demeaning. The judgmental dismissive attitude that came through his voice was condescending. Locked in a contest between he and me, he was determined to have his way. And he seemed sure he was right. Totally. A contest for meaning.