I have been gone from my job for almost two months now, but haven’t gotten back to entering my journal reflections about the experience of my final days there. The following entries were written after my last day as a full-time employee, while I was still on-call to the agency.
Yesterday I was so frustrated working. No progress on workers comp—a big hole of work to do. Still lots to show Lisa. My projects undone.
I had a good but difficult talk with my father-in-law last night. He said I have to LET GO of “my” projects. They are not mine anymore. They are Lisa’s and Vera’s.
I woke up so early this morning and all the various frustrations and irritations from one day at the agency, the way it is now, came parading through me. I could barely stand it but I stayed with it all, and my center, and gave myself space and loving kindness. It all did come and go, one by one.
The thing is, I don’t have to hold on to any of it. None of it belongs to me anymore. It is just not easy to drop it all and step away. Last night I was so tired even before 9 pm. I could sense that my body, my being, wanted—NEEDED—down time to process all of this.
Lots of things I felt, including disappointment that I volunteered myself over and over yesterday.
John said: “You have to figure out WHAT IS BEST FOR YOU. How many ways I overlook that. Still. Yes, I am still me, plodding along this path, facing the “me” things that ARE so familiar.
I caught me being judgmental of myself. Maybe this time I was loose enough, aware enough, freed enough, that no so much stuck.
Yesterday I left the agency at 3:45 pm. Driving out of the parking lot, it felt like my work was done. Complete. There are a few odd bits here & there to share with Lisa, but she is fully engaged in the agency and I have marked and pointed to most things she needs to find.
I also had a nice lunch with my boss that felt like closure. We did not talk about any of our difficulties or about details of any work. He said this was going out to lunch where he was no longer my boss. This does not erase the way he treated me. But in listening to him talk about his spiritual path & direction, and how he is being guided, I see/feel that our paths are on different trajectories. He will learn what he is meant to learn in this life and so will I. It feels like shaking hands and going our separate ways.
So, I am experiencing waves of engaging with work HR issues, seeing they are not mine to think about, and releasing them. This feels like a positive process. And the further removed I am from the day to day, the easier it is. Kind of like how it has been all these years of going to lunch with Glenda and Kelly from my last job, hearing their stories about work, and not feeling particularly connected to that workplace.
Last, but not least, I feel so much gratitude that I have finished this process feeling whole, well and positive. What I mean is that the pain inside me is healing and I have nourished that through this whole process. There are no open, jagged wounds bleeding profusely as I walk out the door. I have gently, tenderly, mindfully tended to them these past months—especially in the past six weeks—and I do feel stronger. My recoveries are quicker. Through my mindfulness practice during this time I discovered and healed a lot within myself. I have faith that if I remain open to supports, like John’s “tough love”* talk the other evening, shared with real love and concern, I will be guided and supported on this path as it continues to unfold.
*Note on John’s tough love: He said to let the work go. It is not yours anymore. Give it to Lisa and don’t worry about it. She will have to figure out how to take care of it (and she is certainly capable). So yesterday, as I was going down my final work to-do list, making notes for Lisa, I caught myself several times almost saying to her, “I can do that for you.” But I STOPPED. The moment PASSED. How great! I could really see and EXPERIENCE that it was not necessary for me to go to that place. Not necessary to say anything. Yipee! Thank you John ☺