In my dream, Steve and I were starting a retreat together, and the organizer told me that I would be cooking the meals. All the meals. I didn’t know anything about the menus, food stock, number of people attending the retreat—nothing. The organizer didn’t seem too concerned about it. We had just arrived. I was to begin with supper that night. We spent the afternoon visiting with people and settling in. When it was time for supper, we made our way to the serving table but there was no food. Oops. I was supposed to have cooked it! I found a menu that said I was serving roast beef. Wow. Dinner sure would be late tonight. I went to the kitchen, opened the oven and discovered that two breaded steaks were in the oven, cooked—maybe even overcooked. I was happy that someone had remembered to start the dinner, but had no idea if these two steaks would be enough to feed all the people. I imagined cutting them into very small slices. That would have to do. I wasn’t sure about serving breaded steaks, it didn’t sound very appetizing to me, but oh well. The next morning I was just as befuddled. No idea of how many people to serve, I had the idea I was to cook eggs, but never did get to the kitchen to cook them.
Early this morning in the bathroom, I began thinking about my upcoming online learning session and my mind drifted to people we say have disabilities. I had been thinking that the learning environment is easy for people who can see and hear. What about a person who may be blind or deaf? What obstacles do they face in participating in a learning environment that I take for granted? It occurred to me, sitting in the bathroom in the dark, that these folks need to be smart, creative and flexible to live in a society that does not give unconditioned attention to all the ways it excludes them.
That brought me back to my dream. I considered that my memory really is not what it was before my surgery two years ago, that some things just plain drop out of my mind. Like the roast beef and the eggs. And I worry about this—will it impact my ability to be a self-employed business woman? But somehow, some way, I am cared for. Amazing things happen without my doing anything. The universe has been faithful in guiding me in meaningful, albeit sometimes painful, directions. For example, I am deeply grateful for the learning opportunities afforded me by being unemployed. Questions I have carried for a long time about the work I want to do are being answered in these classes. I would not have the resources or time to participate if I were still employed. So, maybe I rethink my limitations. Perhaps I can take the gifts that are me, the strengths I have, use them with creativity and flexibility, embrace the parts of me that don’t work well anymore, and trust the universe to take care of what is necessary in this moment. What would my business look like with this kind of acceptance and focus? A question I would like to take up and ponder more deeply.